


horizon (你我像天空与海）

by 99jun



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Heavy Angst, IT'S VERY SAD, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Seaside, Terminal Illnesses, but that's the stuff i write, why did i decide to write this T___T
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 05:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30084405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/99jun/pseuds/99jun
Summary: "maybe i’ll see you again, guanheng. when you’re the sky and i’m the sea and we always find our way back to each other… or however that quote ends. go look it up, okay? maybe you’ll find the answer to how far the horizon actually stretches too.""我们会再次见到的，亨。当你是蓝天而我是大海，我们每一次都会找回相遇对方的道路… 俗语是这么说的吗？去搜一下吧，或许你也会找到水平线尽头到底有多远的答案。"
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	horizon (你我像天空与海）

**Author's Note:**

> back after a pretty long hiatus! i was busy with work and school applications and just bad mental health overall but i bring this new xiaodery work which coincidentally happens to be my saddest fic so far... anywho, i hope you'll like it! 
> 
> inspired by wayv's track, horizon (天空海).
> 
> (p.s. if any chn fic writers are willing to translate this into chn i think i would cry from how sad it would be to read this T____T)

> 海和天同色彩为何还要遥遥地关怀？
> 
> _(if the sea and the sky are of the same colors, why do we have to love each other from so far away?)_

“Morning, Jun.” Guanheng doesn’t expect a reply from him, instead carding his fingers through his hair and tracing the outline of his face softly. Dejun lies on his side wordlessly, and he gives the same blank stare Guanheng has become all too familiar with. His fingers are interlocked with the boy lying just next to him, his face so close he can almost remember how things used to be like between them. Or how things are like between them now. He doesn’t quite know who’s hand he’s holding, who’s face he wakes up to, or who’s voice he’s listening to. 

Everything has been a haze to him, a thick layer of fog standing between him and the rest of the world. Everyday the fog gets thicker and everyday he feels more inclined to reach out and feel for the other boy’s face; trace the edge of his jaw and poke on the tip of his nose and pull his cheek. But he doesn’t know him. Or at least he did know him, in another lifetime and another world. 

♡

_“You’ll know when to open this when the time comes.” Dejun whispers and slides an envelope across the table, past their half-eaten bowls of fried rice and plates still full of their favourite sweet and sour pork dish. Guanheng has been trying to experiment with more Cantonese dishes in the kitchen. Nothing beats the smile on Dejun’s face after he tastes one of his dishes; he finds himself making Dejun’s happiness a priority in everything he does. “For when I’m no longer… me.”_

_“No,” Guanheng looks down at the envelope. “You’ll always be you, Dejun!” He raises his voice slightly in exasperation and shakes his head fervently, his fingers still pressed down firmly on the envelope._

_“We both know it, Heng. You’ll feel like you’ve lost me, because one day I’ll wake up to foreign faces, foreign people, and I might not even recog—”_

_“Please don’t say that.” Guanheng keeps his head down and pushes the envelope back towards Dejun with shaky fingers. “Please, never ever say that again.”_

_“You won’t ever forget me, Dejun.”_

♡

“Morning…” Dejun starts slowly, and Guanheng can tell that he’s struggling to find the next word.

“Heng.” Guanheng whispers softly. “Your sho zhyu zhyu.” They both smile, but if Guanheng feels like crying he doesn’t show it. 

It’s almost idyllic, this scene that’s painted. The two boys sit by the window, Dejun’s head on Guanheng’s shoulder. He eyes the horizon and lets shades of tangerine cast his face aglow in the warmth of dusk. But he keeps silent, the whites of his eyes pink and glassy. As he tears his gaze away from the window to look at Guanheng, a knowing look settles gently on his face. It’s somewhat expressionless and still, but Guanheng renders the thousands of emotions running through Dejun’s mind. Letting go has always been the worst part for Guanheng.

Dejun looks towards the beach again, then back at Guanheng. He nods ever so slightly, and with that Guanheng extends his arm out towards the other boy, two pairs of feet padding softly against the linoleum. As Dejun pushes the door open, he can almost hear Bella’s soft cries next to his ankle.

As they step out onto the sand, Dejun feels the familiar, tangy breeze against his cheek, cool but blanketed with warmth. He feels every grain of sand in between his toes, feels the fragments of iridescent seashells against his feet. Dejun’s hand is snugly interwoven in Guanheng’s, and for the first time in a long time, he feels safe and at peace.

Guanheng lowers his arm, letting Dejun lie on the beach with his head in the other boy’s lap. An early evening lull slowly descends upon the beach, the quiet between the fervent calls of seagulls and the chaotic lace of breaking waves. It brings Dejun back to when he’d sit shoulder-to-shoulder, elbow-to-elbow with Guanheng, the two of them watching waves and squinting to see just how far the horizon stretched till dawn descended upon them. 

As Dejun looks up at Guanheng, there’s a quiet smile painted on his lips, and his eyes warter ever so slightly. His eyes rest, not unblinking but slowed, and Dejun can’t help but notice the look of content on his face. He has rarely ever seen this expression on him, and he decides that he wants to commit this— the sun aglow against his cheeks, semblance of a smile on his lips, eyes creased slightly with contentment— to memory. Because if he has to see him for the last time, he wants to see him with a smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Hendery teases Dejun playfully and breaks his train of thought. He’s leaning back against one palm in the sand while the other hand runs itself though Dejun’s hair. It’s an act that Guanheng knows calms Dejun down. He sees Dejun replicate the same smile he has on his own face, staring straight into his eyes.

“Nothing,” Dejun looks away, fingers running through the sand next to him, eyes glistening with unshed tears. His lip quivers, but Guanheng doesn’t notice. When he finally looks back up at him, Guanheng feels the first tear fall onto his lap.

“I just want to remember this.” Dejun’s gaze lands on his face, and for the first time in his life he appreciates the smile that graces Guanheng’s face. It comes from deep within and lights his eyes up in a way that makes Dejun’s heart flutter. “I want to bring this memory with me when I go.”

Guanheng gives him a pained smile as he pulls Dejun closer to himself, as if he’ll leave him any minute now. A beat stretches between them, neither saying a word. Slowly, Guanheng feels Dejun’s cheek vibrate against his lap, and he feels the tears pooling against the fabric of his shorts. 

“And maybe, if I look at you long enough,” Dejun whispers softly, his voice full of longing. “I can.”

Guanheng rubs his hand up and down the other boy’s arm, starting at the shoulder and down to his palms. He can feel the slight tremors wracking his body, can feel the tears on his lap, can feel the way he’s gripping onto his hand as tightly as he can. 

There isn’t a final, selfless statement or a last deep breath like how it is in a Hollywood film. There aren’t any pleading screams or arms extended out begging for mercy. 

It’s Dejun’s shallow breath against Guanheng’s lap. He steadies his breathing, matching each inhale and exhale with the waves breaking on shore. His gaze wanders and stretches far out towards the horizon again, and he has a longing look in his glazed eyes. Guanheng wishes his breath isn’t growing weaker by the second, but it is. He can barely feel Dejun's cool breaths on his lap now. 

It’s Dejun planting a quick but lasting kiss on his lips while he repeats his words over and over again in his face.

“I love you. It’ll be okay.” There are now tears streaming down Guanheng’s cheeks, and he shakes his head in a fervent attempt to shut him up. Because, no, Dejun isn’t leaving. He never will. He swore he’d stay right by his side for as long as they have both feet on the ground. But they don’t— Dejun doesn’t. He’s already one foot beneath and Guanheng can only watch as he falls; off the face of the earth, his fingertips brushing against his.

You’ll be okay, Guanheng says, but he thinks it’s more of a reminder for himself. That the waves will carry everything away and at the end of the day he’ll be sat on the shore watching the horizon. 

“I love you, too, Dejun.” It happens. His last breath is silent, and Guanheng wishes for another steady gust of air against his lap, but it never arrives, and he never feels it. Carefully wiping away the tears falling from his own cheeks onto Dejun, he holds the other boy as close as he can. Guanheng can almost hear Dejun teasing him, "Please stop crying, you'll just make the seawater saltier." He smiles softly at the thought and wipes away the tears on Dejun's face too. 

As he looks up, a gentle breeze against his tear-stained cheeks, the last wisps of sunlight disappear beneath the ocean and the reigns of night take over.

“Goodnight, Jun.”

♡

~~My dearest Hendery,~~

~~Yo A-heng!~~

~~My sho zhyu zhyu~~~

Guanheng,

You’re making breakfast as I’m writing this a few feet away from the stove. I can smell freshly-made pancakes, and it’s a comforting feeling, you know. Just like old times. I don’t know if you’re reading this while I’m still here, or when I’m already gone, but I hope this letter gives you a piece of myself you can keep. I won’t be around much longer, we both know that.

I’m scared, Guanheng. I don’t say this a lot, but I’m watching your back against me and the way you have a smile on your face and it dawns on me that today might be the last time I see that smile I’ve grown to love. Death doesn’t discriminate, it takes and it takes and it takes but we keep on living anyway. 

Thank you for teaching me how to love. For making me pancakes even though you know I can’t taste them. For sitting on the cold tiles for hours on end, being next to me but also giving me enough space to breathe. You always knew exactly what I needed. 

Maybe I’ll see you again, Guanheng. When you’re the sky and I’m the sea and we always find our way back to each other… or however that quote ends. Go look it up, okay? Maybe you’ll find the answer to how far the horizon actually stretches too. 

I’ll miss you. I love you, Heng. Endlessly.

JunJun ♡

> 你我像天空与海 在水平线想念释怀
> 
> _(you and i are like the sky and the sea, letting go of our longing at the horizon)_

**Author's Note:**

> some of their dialogue are references to lyrics within the track ;D and sho zhyu zhyu (傻猪猪) is a cantonese term of endearment (silly pig)~


End file.
